Human Being versus Human Doing

A couple Junes ago, a friend called me with trepidation.  I had not sent my usual Christmas greetings in December, and with my diagnosis, she said, “I was afraid you had died.”  Not so, but taking a season away from cards when I felt uninspired made sense to me…well, I just don’t do things anymore unless I want to or feel a compulsion I choose to follow. 

Starting this blog with a bang and some dedication, my period of silence does not mean I am gone or not well enough to continue.  Time away has given me space to reflect and ponder. Instead of coming from deep within me and escaping my heart and soul, I know that bitching about cancer tends to burrow down and niggle at me.  I don’t need that.

Yesterday in the sermon I heard a quick and casual remark about human beings versus human doings.

I was convicted.  I, who thrive on lists and crossing out jobs done, who subconsciously rate a day as good if I accomplished a lot, and berate myself that I wasted time if not much is done…I am my father’s daughter, wired to be task-oriented.

So I do fill my days and my weeks with tutoring third grade groups, completing financial secretary responsibilities for church, volunteering as a tax aide during income tax season, signing up my husband and me for dance classes…you don’t need my whole agenda, other than to understand that a day free without any commitments is a pleasure.  Because then I finally have a chunk of time to get things done!

 Cancer certainly exacerbates these tendencies of mine.  My bucket list, my “take care of my family” list, my unfinished business list, my closet full of my fabric stash all drive me to do do do. 

When will I be be be…like a human being?

I don’t have more energy than most…contrarily, I should have less pep with my drug regime.  I just don’t feel I can waste the time I have doing nothing.

So next week (because I am too busy this week, you see?) I am going to be intentional in my “being time.”  Longer spells watching the hummingbirds, more walks just stretch my legs and my thinking, indulging in a book when there are other things to do, eating a meal without my computer engaged in some business. 

 This deliberate time to be may take me away from the blog for a while again.  I’ll let you know how it goes.